


The DTC "After School Specials"

by Dollypegs, Stevie_Foxx



Series: Dwarf Telenovela Central [4]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2020-01-05
Packaged: 2020-01-11 04:58:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18423306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dollypegs/pseuds/Dollypegs, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stevie_Foxx/pseuds/Stevie_Foxx
Summary: So, when Dolly and Stevie do …er… research for this story it involves a lot of messing about, giggling, and chatter and other kinds of things we have to look up, from brooding times of a bonebreakers to the lyrics of songs, to the history of rollercoasters, and how to cook a porcupine.  This sort of thing sparks conversation as to what would happen if…We are somewhat awash in such things and we wondered if any of you might be interested in these odd tidbits.  Thus we’ve decided to add another part to the Dwarf Telenovela series.  We’re calling it The DTC After School Special.  There will be no rhyme or reason to when we post something.  But if you think you’d get a kick out of it, do subscribe/bookmark so you’ll know when ‘something’ pops up.Love and cuddlesDolly & Stevie!





	1. Chapter 1

Episode one - Why Google Translate is so hard on FanFic authors!

  
The original text from Chapter 1:  
    The Master never finished his words as the double doors smashed open and in rode a cadre of Erebor royal guards. Ori was half over-joyed and half horror stricken. In the lead, on a very large, malevolent-looking goat, sat an equally large, malevolent-looking Captain Dwalin.      The captain rode forward to stop directly behind Ori. Ori glanced to his side and found he was eye to eye with the goat. He’d never realized goat pupils were square.  
  
Translated into Italian:  
    Il Maestro non finì mai le sue parole quando le doppie porte si spalancarono e cavalcò un gruppo di guardie reali di Erebor. Ori era mezzo sopraffatto e mezzo orrore. In testa, su una capra molto grande e dall'aspetto malevolo, sedeva un capitano Dwalin, ugualmente grande e dall'aspetto malevolo.   
    Il capitano cavalcò in avanti per fermarsi direttamente dietro a Ori. Ori gettò uno sguardo al suo fianco e scoprì che era faccia a faccia con la capra. Non aveva mai realizzato che le pupille di capra fossero quadrate.  
  
Then back into English:  
    The Master never finished his words when the double doors opened and rode a group of Erebor royal guards. Ori was half overwhelmed and half horror. On his head, on a very large and malevolent goat, sat a Dwalin captain, equally large and malevolent.   
    The captain rode forward to stop directly behind Ori. Ori glanced at his side and discovered he was face to face with the goat. He had never realized that the goat pupils were square.  
  
Bizarre, but not too, too bad.  But then we travel west…  
Translated into Portuguese:  
    O Mestre nunca terminou suas palavras quando as portas duplas se abriram e montaram um grupo de guardas reais de Erebor. Ori ficou meio exagerado e meio horrorizado. Na liderança, em uma cabra muito grande, de aspecto malévolo, estava sentado um capitão Dwalin igualmente grande e de aspecto malévolo.   
    O capitão seguiu em frente para parar diretamente atrás de Ori. Ori olhou para o lado e descobriu que estava cara a cara com a cabra. Ele nunca percebeu que os alunos de cabra eram quadrados.  
  
Then back into English:  
    The Master never finished his words when the double doors opened and set up a group of royal guards from Erebor. Ori was a bit exaggerated and half-horrified. In the lead, in a very large, malevolent goat, was sitting an equally large and malevolent looking Dwalin captain.   
    The captain moved forward to stop directly behind Ori. Ori looked sideways and found he was face to face with the goat. He never realized that goat students were square.  
  
Oh, but those are both Romance languages.  Shall we try…  
  
Yiddish?  
די האר קיינמאָל פאַרטיק זיין ווערטער ווי די טאָפּל טירן סמאַשט אָפן און אין ראָוד אַ קאַדרע פון ערעבאָר רויאַל גאַרדז. אָריע איז האַלב איבער-פרייד און האַלב גרויל סטריקאַן. אין די פירן, אויף אַ זייער גרויס, זכר וואַלפיש-קוקן ציין, איז געווען אַ גלייַך גרויס, מאַלאַוואַלאַנט-קוקן קאַפּיטאַן דווילין. דער קאַפּיטאַן ראָוד פאָרויס צו האַלטן גלייַך הינטער אָרי. אָרי גלאַנסט צו זיין זייַט און געפונען ער איז אויג צו אויג מיט די ציג. ער האָט קיינמאָל איינגעזען ציגעלעך זענען קוואדראט.  
  
    di har keynmol fartik zeyn verter vi di topl tirn smasht ofn aun in roud a kadre fun erebor royal gardz. orye iz halb iber-freyd aun halb groyl strikan. in di firn, aoyf a zeyer groys, zkhr valfish-kukn tseyn, iz geven a glaykh groys, malavalant-kukn kapitan dvilin.   
    der kapitan roud foroys tsu haltn glaykh hinter ori. ori glanst tsu zeyn zayt aun gefunen er iz aoyg tsu aoyg mit di tsig. er hot keynmol eyngezen tsigelekh zenen kvadrat.  
  
Then back into English:  
    The Lord never finished his words as the double doors smashed openly and rode a cadre of early morning royal guards. Orie was half over-joy and half-horror stricken. In the lead, on a very large male whale-looking teeth, was an equally great, cavalier-looking captain Dillin.   
    The captain's road to go straight ahead is an odd one. Ought to his side and found he is eye to eye with the goat. He never realized that he was living in a square.  
  
Scottish Gaelic?  
Cha do chrìochnaich am maighstir na briathran aige a-riamh oir bha na dorsan dùbailte a ’fosgladh agus a’ dùnadh a-mach sgioba de gheàrdan rìoghail Erebor. Bha Ori leth-riaraichte agus leth uamhasach air tuiteam. Anns a ’chiad stiùireadh, air gob mòr, a tha a’ coimhead gu mòr, air a ’chiad làimh, shuidhich e Caiptean Dwalin, a bha a’ coimhead cho mìorbhaileach agus a bha cho mosach. Lean an caiptean air adhart a ’stad dìreach air cùl Ori. Sheall Ori ri thaobh agus lorg e gu robh e a ’coimhead ris a’ ghobhar. Cha do thuig e riamh gun robh na sgoilearan gobhair ceàrnagach.  
  
Then back to English:  
    The master never finished his words because the doors had double doors opening and shutting a team of the Erebor royal yards. Ori was very dissatisfied and half had fallen. In the first direction, on a big beak, that looks very much, first hand, he set up Captain Dwalin, who looked so wonderful and was so foolish.     Follow the captain continue to stop behind Ori. Ori looked at his side and found him looking at the goat. The gamekeeper never realized that the pupils were square goats.  
  
Or how about Russian?  
Мастер так и не закончил свои слова, когда двойные двери распахнулись, и ехали кадры королевских охранников Эребора. Ори был наполовину от радости и от ужаса. Во главе, на очень большой, злобно выглядящей козе, сидел такой же большой, злобно выглядящий капитан Двалин. Капитан поехал вперед, чтобы остановиться прямо за Ори. Ори посмотрел в его сторону и обнаружил, что он с глазу на глаз с козой. Он никогда не осознавал, что козлиные ученики квадратные.  
  
    Master tak i ne zakonchil svoi slova, kogda dvoynyye dveri raspakhnulis', i yekhali kadry korolevskikh okhrannikov Erebora. Ori byl napolovinu ot radosti i ot uzhasa. Vo glave, na ochen' bol'shoy, zlobno vyglyadyashchey koze, sidel takoy zhe bol'shoy, zlobno vyglyadyashchiy kapitan Dvalin.   
    Kapitan poyekhal vpered, chtoby ostanovit'sya pryamo za Ori. Ori posmotrel v yego storonu i obnaruzhil, chto on s glazu na glaz s kozoy. On nikogda ne osoznaval, chto kozlinyye ucheniki kvadratnyye.  
  
Then back into English:  
    The master never finished his words when the double doors swung open and the frames of the royal guards of Erebor rode. Ori was half of joy and horror. At the head, on a very big, wicked-looking goat, sat the same big, wicked-looking Captain Dvalin.   
    The captain drove forward to stop right behind Ori. Ori looked in his direction and found that he was face to face with a goat. He never realized that the goat pupils are square.  
  
Translated into Japanese:  
二重のドアが開いて壊れてエレバー王室の警備員の幹部に乗ったので、マスターは決して彼の言葉を終えませんでした。オリは半分以上の喜びと半分の恐怖に見舞われました。先頭に立って、非常に大きくて悪意のあるように見えるヤギの上に、同じく大きくて悪意的に見えるCaptain Dwalinが座っていた。キャプテンはオリのすぐ後ろで止まるように前に向かった。オリは彼の側をちらりと見て、彼がヤギと目と目を合わせているのを発見した。ヤギの生徒が正方形であることに気づいたことは一度もありません。  
  
    Nijū no doa ga aite kowarete erebā ōshitsu no anchisukiru no kanbu ni nottanode, masutā wa kesshite kare no kotoba o oemasendeshita. Ori wa hanbun'ijō no yorokobi to hanbun no kyōfu ni mimawa remashita. Sentō ni tatte, hijō ni ōkikute akui no aru yō ni mieru yagi no ue ni, onajiku ōkikute akui-teki ni mieru Captain Dwalin ga suwatte ita.   
    Kyaputen wa ori no sugu ushiro de tomaru yō ni mae ni mukatta. Ori wa kare no soba o chirarito mite, kare ga yagi to me to me o awasete iru no o hakken shita. Yagi no seito ga seihōkeidearu koto ni kidzuita koto wa ichido mo arimasen.  
  
Then, back into English:  
    The master never finished his word, as the double door opened and broke and got on the security guard of Eleber's royal guard. Oli was hit with more than half joy and half fear. Captain Dwalin, sitting on the top, looks like a large, malicious look on top of a very large, seemingly malicious goat.  
     The captain headed forward to stop just behind Oli. Ori glanced at his side and found that he was holding eyes with a goat. We have never noticed that goat students are square.  
  
Finally we’re off to Finland:  
    Mestari ei koskaan päättänyt sanojaan, kun pariovet murtautuivat auki ja kulkivat Ereborin kuninkaallisten vartijoiden kadreissa. Ori oli puoliksi liian iloinen ja puolet kauhu. Johdossa istui hyvin suurella, pahanhajuisella näköisellä vuohella yhtä suuri, pahantekevä näköinen kapteeni Dwalin.   
    Kapteeni ratsasti eteenpäin pysäyttääkseen suoraan Oriin takana. Ori vilkaisi hänen puolelleen ja löysi, että hän oli silmään silmään. Hän ei koskaan tajunnut, että vuohen oppilaat olivat neliö.  
  
Then back into English:  
    The master never finished his words when the double doors broke open and walked in the frames of the royal guards of Erebor. The Ori was half too happy and half the horror. The captain, Dwalin, had a big, malevolent-looking cape sitting on a very large, bad-smelling-looking goat.   
    The captain rode forward to stop directly behind Ori. He glanced at him and found that he was in the eye. He never realized that the goats were square.  
  
Yes, we could go on, but we won’t.  However, if readers want to muck with translating pieces of our text and sending them in (hint hint), we’ll happily gather them up for a bit of a special all their own.  If we use them, we’ll give you a Shoutout!  
  



	2. Episode Two- Granny Klak's Ginger Cake Recipe!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This week, we finally start getting to the recipes!

**Granny Klak’s Ginger Cake**  
**From Chapter 42 of Rites, Writings and Ris!**  
  
_“A golden syrup sponge, a very large peach pie and the ginger cake finished the repast.  The cake was magnificent.  It had been baked in a pan shaped like the mountain.  The cake was placed in the middle of the table, its peak and several crags covered in white icing and the rest dotted with dyed green powdered sugar.”_  
  
**The original recipe:**  
1 breakfastcup sugar, 1 1/2 breakfastcups chopped ginger, 1 breakfast cup water, 3/4 breakfastcupful lard, 1 tablespoonful ground ginger, a pinch salt.  
  
Method - Boil these ingredients together for 3 minutes and allow to cool.  When nearly cold add: -  
  
2 1/2 breakfast cupfuls flour, 1/2 teaspoonful baking powder, and lastly, 1 teaspoonful baking soda dissolved in 1 dessertspoonful vinegar.  
  
Mix all well together, put into well greased tin and cook in a moderate oven for about 2 hours.

Let cool, sprinkle with powdered sugar.

Serves several moderately peckish dwarrow, or one King Dain.  
  
**The translated recipe:**  
Preheat the oven to 375 degrees Fahrenheit  
  
Boil together in a largish saucepan for three minutes:  
1 cup sugar  
1 1/2 cups fresh chopped ginger  
1 cup water  
3/4 cup butter  
1 tablespoon ground ginger  
Pinch of salt  
  
Allow the mixture to cool.  Pour into a bowl.  Do not strain the mixture.  When nearly cold add: -  
  
2 1/2 cups flour,  
1/2 teaspoon baking powder,  
1 teaspoon baking soda dissolved in 2 teaspoons vinegar.  
  
Mix all well together, put into well greased tin and cook at 375 degrees F for about 1 1/2 hours.

Let cool, sprinkle with powdered sugar if desired.

Serves... well, how hungry are you?  
  
The fine print:  
Adapted from the Scottish Women’s Rural Institutes Cookery Book (Sixth Edition), 1946, reprinted March 1948.  Obviously Granny Klak is well-read.


	3. Bag End East (Original Sketch)




	4. Our Secret Writing Place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And now for a little behind-the-scenes tour of the Headquaters of Dwarf Telenovela Central.   
> This is where it all happens, the research, the snacking, the editing, the meals, the flurry of discussion and, not to leave anything out, the food consumed.

 

AKA  Stevie's kitchen table!!


	5. We Will Rock You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A DTC After School Special featuring just about everybody, and our least favorite mineral!

**We all know what happened to the Arkenstone ‘in canon’, it frickin’ ruined -everything-.But, what if someone besides Ori had found the Arkenstone in the DTC Universe?We submit for your approval, speculations, thus:**

 

The rock purred to Bilbo, “ _I will give you all the power in the world if you worship me!_ ”

“What would I do with it?You can only have so much closet space, and I’d have to remember to dust you.”

_“I’m self-dusting!”_

“Then I’d forget all about you, or grow tired of you, and eventually I’d send you to the Mathom House with all the other pretty, useless things.”

If the Arkenstone had a jaw, it would be hanging down to the floor.

“Bofur,” Bilbo called.“Bo, came and listen to this thing.It’s insane.”

“Listen to what?Oh.Rather chatty is it?”

“So it would seem.”

The stone gave up on the hobbit.The creature’s priorities were obviously scrambled.A dwarf, now that showed promise.

“ _I can give you anything: power, money.Anything you can imagine, I can provide._ ”

“Anything?” Bofur asked.“Ya can give me anything I dream up?”

_“Yes!Yes!Simply name in.”_

Energy crackled through the air as the miner considered.The stone grew excited, sensing this one would be easy prey.

“I got it!” said Bofur.

“ _What?What is it?_ ”

“I can just see it!” Bofur said.“A pub!A huge pub, twenty - no, thirty stories tall, with cascades of ale runnin’ from floor to floor, an’ a band on each level, with instruments that never go out of tune!”

_“A pub?”_

“Aye”

_“I can give you all the money, all the power in the world, and the only thing you can come up with is a gigantic drinking den?”_

“Ya can’t drink power, lad.And it can’t carry a tune.What fun is that?”

_“Fun?I mean - FUN?”_

“Sorry, lad.Mebbe ya should ask someone with a little more, dunno, ambition.Hey, Duckie, this rock says itcan make yer wildest dreams come true.”

“Do tell,” said Nori.

_“Anything!I can offer you everything you can imagine.”_

“I can imaging quite a bit,” said Nori, and his avaricious grin was everything the Arkenstone could have wished.

Bloody finally!

Several long minutes passed, then several more.Usually, the Arkenstone was willing to wait for years, if necessary, but these people were driving it nuts.

“ _Well_?” it prompted.

“Don’t rush me.I’m workin’ on it.”

_“But you don’t have to do anything!I can do it all!”_

Finally, Nori shook his head.

“Naw, fanks, me way’s more fun.”

The Arkenstone strangled a scream and fell silent.

“I fink it’s poutin’,” said Nori.

“What’re we supposed to do with it?” Bofur asked.

“Dunno,” said Nori.“Give it to Dori mebbed?Our Dor’ll fink o’ somefin’.”

Nori went and offered the Arkenstone to Dori, who remained unimpressed.

“Why would I want a rock?Did you even bother to wash it before you brought it to me?Of course you didn’t, you wretched badger.”

“ _I will make you empress of the world!_ ” the Arkenstone promised, staving off despair.

Dori sniffed.

“I already run the world.My tea parties are the stuff of legend!Balin, my love, take this filthy thing away.”

Balin grasped it gingerly in one hand. 

Sensing the power this dwarf wielded, the Arkenstone’s hope surged.

“ _I could make you the emperor of Middle Earth!You could rule the world!_ ”

“I’m no’ much f’r rulin’ thin’s meself, but if yeh find someone who’s interested, I could help ‘em with th’ etiquette an’ diplomacy an’ such.”

“ _But, the wor-_ “

Balin shook his head.

“An utter logistical nightmare.I’d have t’ hire a bigger staff!”

“ _But-_ “

“No, laddie.It’s obvious yeh’ve never run so much as a sweets shop.Come back when yeh’ve th’ details worked out.”

Thorin stuck his head out of his office.

“What have you there?”He saw it, recognized it, and drew back.“That’s not what I think it is?”

“Afraid so, laddie,” said Balin.“I’m supposin’, as king a’ Erebor, yeh have th’ right t’ do wha’ever yeh want with it.”

The king!This was the Durin king!Oh, happy day!This was the Arkenstone’s element, this was where it belonged.It made its voice melodious, tempting, winsome.

“ _Your majesty, I can offer you more gold than you could possibly imagine!_ ”

“I’m already there.Roäc?Here, dump this thing into Mt Doom before Sugar eats it and makes herself sick.”

“Right, I’m on it.”

As Roäc flew off with the Arkenstone in its talon, the stone continued to try.

“ _All the stinky rabbits and bacon you want?_ ”

“Aw, shuddup.”

 

 

And here are several ‘one shots’:

 

Bombur:

_“You could be the emperor of the world!”_

“I don’t want to be the emperor of the world, unless it gives me the power to make sure no one every goes hungry again.”

“ _You could do that!_ ”The stone seized on this.“ _You could feed the world!_ ”

Bombur considered.

“Where would the food come from?”

“ _What?_ ”

“Someone has to grow all the food.Unless you can simply make it appear.”

“ _Yes!Yes!I can!_ ”

“And then, you would need a kitchen to cook it.”

“ _You wouldn’t need a kitchen!I could make it appear fully cooked!_ ”

“And then you’d have to distribute it.You’d need a wagon.No, a caravan of wagons, to take it instantly to every corner of the world.”

“ _No, I wouldn’t!I could make it appear anywhere!_ ”

“If you can do it all, you don’t need me, do you.Go to it with my blessing.”

 

Gloin:

“ _You will have all the gold in Arda._ ”

“I’ve enough trouble keepin’ track a’ what we have now, laddie.Wan’ t’ see a picture a’ me wife an’ badger?”

 

Oin:

“ _I could give you the world!_ ”

“Yeh wan’ t’ take me f’r a whirl?How?Yeh’ve got no legs!”

 

Kili:

“ _I could make you th-_ “

“Pretty rock!”

“ _Yes!Yes!I’m very pretty!Take me home with you!_ ”

“But not as pretty as my wife.”

“ _What’s that got to do with anything?I can give you things your wife couldn’t dream of!_ ”

Kili snorted.“Don’t think so, mate.If I didn’t want to have sex with a tree, I’m not going to want it with a rock.”

 

Fili:

“ _You could be the emperor of Arda!_ ”

“No, thanks, the last thing I want is more power.”

“ _But everyone wants more power!_ ”

“But not all the responsibility that comes with it.”

“ _You wouldn’t have any responsibility!_ ”

“Only if I was an asshat.”

 

Bifur:

“ _I can give you a paradise of wealth and pleasure.Dwarrow of any sex to rub your feet and feed you flowers.I could take the axe from your head and give you the voice of a vala!._ ”

“Can you bring back the dead?”

“ _What?_ ”

“All those unjustly killed at Dimrill Dale?Can you erase the suffering of their king?”

“ _Well, no._ ”

“Then fuck off.”

 

Janifur:

“ _You would be empress of Arda!_ ”

“Listen, chook, I’ve already got the best boobs in Middle Earth, an’ me lover’s the most beautiful dam in Arda.”

“ _I could give you a penis!I could turn you into a dwarf to satisfy her better!_ ”

“Are ya hintin’ me tongue’s not good enough?”

“ _No!No!But you could get heirs, dwarflings to carry on your glorious name._ ”

“Badgers?Ew!‘Sides, Dis already has badgers, and I don’t hafta change ‘em.Get outta here before I scramble ya.”

 

Dis:

“ _I could make you empress of middle earth!_ ”

Dis picked up the rock, tossed it over the edge of a bottomless abyss, and went back to reading her trade agreement.

 

Dwalin:

“ _I could give you the world!_ ”

Crack!

Szzzzzz!

“Love, eggs’re almost’ ready.Come an’ eat.”


End file.
